


Insights into Love

by AllHailBurnoel



Series: Insights Into Mckirk [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, copious use of metaphors, each one will be a seperate drabble, eventual protective bones, literally this is pretty much all metaphor, may eventually have other characters perspectives on their relationship, some will be stories some will be insights, this was caused by lack of sleep and Jim saying that bones should stop with the metaphors, will eventually have multiple chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 22:03:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9348431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHailBurnoel/pseuds/AllHailBurnoel
Summary: James T. Kirk was to most, a wonderful captain and to some he was an amazing friend. To Leonard H. McCoy he was something that Leonard wasn't sure he was able to describe to another person.A series that will have insights into Jim and Bones' character as well as their relationship.





	1. Insight into Realization (Bones I)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is not really what some people might consider to be a fic, between my copious amount of metaphors to the non-existent plot. But this is really sort of a look into the way I characterize and view the Mckirk relationship for backstory to other mckirk fics I may or may not write. This could also possibly be a sister piece to a fic in the same style from Jim's point of view about their relationship.

Sometimes it was strange, perhaps even scary how easily it was for Jim to switch between an invincible, reckless, 'do anything and everything to protect those I love' kind of captain and a small, vulnerable, needy lover. Like a snake unhinging its jaw to eat a prey three times its size, like the pain and horror that sets into the eyes of a PTSD victim after they've hurt someone in a frenzy. Like the fear and helplessness of a boy pushed to far to fast or like the dread of a decision gone terribly wrong. 

Other times it was tragic but none the less awe-inspiring. Like a car crash you couldn't take your eyes off of, like the first few seconds after after a natural disaster when you look around at the destructive that natural has wrought on the landscape around you. Like the moment you let yourself submit to death. 

In turns it can be angering, painful. The startling, earth shaking realization that he had been hurt so badly that his mind had to erect barrier after barrier around itself just to live. Like a child feebly throwing his arms around his head to stave off harsh blows from another, like a baby being smothered by its mother or the hatred you develop after years of mistreatment. 

Or like deafening, heart stopping terror that rips threw your body like poison. The rush of adrenalin as you are staring down the barrel of a gun. The blood rushing threw your veins as you begin a free fall to the harsh unforgiving ground below. Like sweat gathering on your palms, like ringing ears, like stuttering breaths unable to fully reach your lungs or weakened knees incapable of holding your weight any longer. 

But through all of that, to Leonard it was mostly wondrous and heartwarming. Like a flower blooming under the sun, like the relief of coming home. The sigh of a calming breeze rolling over you on a hot day, the complete and utter trust of a new born child. The knowledge that Jim may keep his mind under lock and key but he would always be willing to let Leonard see the real him. 

He might not drop his guard around anyone else but he yielded himself to Leonard the way glaciers yield to the heat of the sun, the way mountains yield to rivers and rocks yield to waves. Like cavern calved over a millennium. Not immediately but definitely. 

There were moments of clarity when Leonard could admit to himself that being with Jim was all and none of those things all at once. But Leonard could twist strange into interesting, he could provide a safe haven to the fear and find the light in something tragic. He could soothe the terror and redirect the anger. But it was always the wonder that he would keep for himself and Jim, it was that warmth that he would use to slowly heal Jim and by extension it was that same warmth that allowed Jim to heal him. 

Maybe, just maybe, that warmth was why Jim was willing to make that switch, why he was willing to let Leonard in to help him, to satisfy whatever need he may have. 

Maybe this was love?


	2. Insight Into Falling (Jim I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An insight into Jim's mind and thoughts on his relationship with Leonard Mccoy. 
> 
> This chapter is showing you a bit about Jim's inner working and goes towards how I characterize him (and Bones) in some of the drabbles that will be added later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More uses of metaphors though it is slightly less than the amount in Bones' chapter. Might be a bit of a weird perspective but it called out to be written like this. 
> 
> Also it has a teeny tiny bit of foreshadowing about how much angst I will be hoisting onto Jim in some of these drabbles.

Being around Bones soothed Jim.

 

It soothed him.

 

Jim had been through a lot in his life and most of it was traumatizing, that much he was readily willing to admit. But every though those things had been traumatizing they hadn't really _surprised_ him because some part of him deep down really thought that he must have deserved it all. The pain, the heart ache, the trauma, after all that was what he had caused his mother to feel, by living while his father had died for him. So yeah, he deserved it and so it hadn't surprised him. But the fact that Bones' presence soothed him, that was surprising, no matter where he put the emphasis it always floored him.

 

_Being_ around Bones soothed him. Being around _Bones_ soothed him. Being around Bones _soothed_ him. Being _around_ Bones soothed him. Being around Bones soothed _him_.

 

It didn't matter what part he focused on he couldn't truly wrap his mind around it.

 

After years of not trusting or not caring for anyone he had finally found someone worth the risk of doing both, hell he had finally found someone who was willing to risk doing both of those things for him. Part of him was glad to finally have someone to fall back on, to know they would always be there if you needed them, to love and care for you, to protect you. Maybe that was what scared Jim the most?

 

The fact that he wanted, no _needed,_ that protection, that helping hand, that safety net to fall back on when his world felt to heavy to continue wading through. He hadn't had anyone like that before, he had always fended for himself and he alone protected himself. Sure he had protected other and he had even loved most of them but that didn't mean they felt the same. His love didn't mean they felt the need to return it or the need to protect him in return.

 

But _Bones did_ , Bones had returned his love and felt the need to protect Jim before Jim had even realized he loved Bones.

 

It was scary. And the second Jim had realized with startling clarity what was going on he had bolted, trying desperately to get away from the one thing he needed, more than air, more than the blood pumping through his veins, more than the thoughts constantly racing through his mind. But Bones hadn't let him go in fact he had chased after him, forced him to see that he didn't intend to let him go and hide away from something that he so desperately need, something that would allow him to achieve more than he could ever hope to on his own.

 

It wasn't easy after that though, not in the way that everybody thinks it would be with two people in love like they were, they had their share of spats and of fights but Bones made damn sure he knew that even though they were fighting it didn't mean that Bones loved him any less, it didn't mean that he was ruining the one good thing he had finally found.

 

And boy was it a good thing that he had found. Just being near Bones soothed him, it felt like laying on a couch with a warm blanket and a good book while there was a storm raging outside. It felt like a peaceful winter night curled up against a warm chest while you were just on the cusp of falling asleep. It felt like a cool refreshing breeze on a hot day, like everything might actually turn out okay.

 

But in the end it all boiled down to one thing.

 

_Bones soothed him._

 

Maybe, he thought, just maybe this is what love is?

 


	3. Figments of Memories (Bones II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While living in the present can reveal horrors, Leonard finds his memories of Jim capable of washing those horrors away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More metaphors. I honestly think that Bones just wants me to write his side fully in metaphors since I seem to like them so much.

Memories came to Leonard in flashes, like an old movie showing black and white flashbacks, scenes playing out splicing themselves together on top of each other in a giant jumbled show of light and limbs and noises. He would watch something happen but his mind would supply him with an alternate view juxtaposed to the real version being acted out in front of him.

 

Sometimes it worked to show him another side of Jim, another piece of a puzzle sliding into place leaving Leonard with a clearer view and a new sense of awe as he thought back on his lover. Other times it worked to show him a darker side of things, the type of actions that led to where they were when they had first met, it showed him some of the horrors that created Jim Kirk.

 

It came to him when he thought of Jim's voice and the way he talked around others, all the smooth confidence and self-assurance he used to win over dignitaries and to forge treaties or pave the way to ensuring peace. But at the same time his mind showed him what he and he alone has been witness to. _Jim in his quarters his voice soft and low, sure in the fact that Leonard was there with him and wouldn't dare to judge him but unsure and vulnerable in the request he was making. Unsure that he was truly worthy of such love and affection and even more unsure of whether or not he was worthy enough of such a physical display of affection._

 

Or in the way he held himself, the way he stands tall, his chin jutting out as he argued with mercenaries and pirates, managing to lead their ship through battlefields that could have easily wound up being their graveyards or the way his muscles tensed as he fought his way through mission trying to get his crew back in one piece. But all his mind could think of was something much different. _Jim baring his neck in a surprising show of submission, allowing him to mark it as he pleased, to write his love and devotion into each and every burst capillary in a language only they were able to understand. Jim's muscles were always soft and pliant underneath him, allowing him to move and guide him however he wished to, controlling him in a way light years more intimate and daunting than any movement an enemy could hope to use against him. Jim letting him decide how everything went, letting Leonard lead him through their nights spent together._

 

His mind showed him Jim fending off their enemies and taking hit after hit after bone shattering hit for the people he loves in the hopes of ensuring their safety and health. It showed him Jim coming back to him covered in bruises and scratch marks that marred his beautiful body. _It showed him the difference between those marks made in bone chilling fury and those made in the stifling heat of passion. It showed him pulling Jim to their bed after to many nights spent in med bay, It showed Leonard leaving behind marks and scars of his own done in love to replace and wash away those done in anger. Finger print bruises on his hips, bite marks on his collar, his chest, his thighs. Scratch marks over his ribs and dark hickeys highlighting the nubs of his spine in the low light._

 

Images of sparkling blue eyes solidifying into hardened ice sprung to his mind, him sitting there watching as Jim read over casualty reports for mission gone awry. The way his eyes showed more emotion than his face could ever try to if you knew how to look for the right shades of brilliant blue that always betrayed his true emotions. These things were thrown at his conscious as he tried to occupy his free time, though his mind always went back to was he saw in private. _Those ice cold eyes melting till all that was left was hollow, dull blue as the brilliant colors dripped down his face in the form of tears, the ice giving way to grief as he mourned the lose of those he considered his to protect. The way life started to seep back into jewel like eyes as he slowly but surely convinced him it wasn't his fault, that he had tried his best, that he couldn't save everyone and that sometimes your best can't always be good enough. Sleepy baby blues glancing up at him in astonishment when Jim wakes up only to find him still laying next to him, and Leonard relishes in the way those jewels widen when he shows him that he has no intentions of leaving him alone, especially not after he finally allows him to be witness to such a brilliant mind and bleeding heart._

 

Reality may try its hardest to consume Leonard whole and drive him to insanity, but when it comes down to it his memories of Jim will always overshadow the horrors of everything.

 

 


End file.
